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20 Feb

The truth is that cancer is a jerk and I’m having trouble being gracious about it. I wish I could say that I’m calm and peaceful and trusting that God’s will is best, but really I am sad and scared and feel a little horrified at life’s harsh realities right now. This road is tough. And lonely. And long. That’s how I feel today. Truth.

But I just keep baking cookies and building snowmen and asking God for grace even though I don’t feel it. It’s the best I know to do.

And I learn things. About cancer. And true love. And what it feels like to see your dad wither away. And that sometimes “strong” isn’t physical at all. I learn that there are some things that even a “fixer” can’t fix – no matter how hard she tries. I learn that life is short and always changing. And that no matter what, I can’t give up on my faith or my family.

I CAN do hard things. I can do them one day at a time. Sometimes minute by minute. I’ve done them before and I will do them again. I am doing them now.

“When the disciples heard it, they fell flat on their faces – scared to death. But Jesus came over and touched them. ‘Don’t be afraid.’ When they opened their eyes and looked around, all they saw was Jesus, only Jesus.”
Matthew 17:6-8