25 Jun

I’m driving myself crazy these days with thoughts of heaven. I can’t stop wondering what my dad is doing. I mean, I know he’s with God, he’s praising (all the bible stuff) – but I wonder what it’s really like. Does he hang out with family and friends that went before him? Does he get to chat with Jesus? Do all of life’s struggles make sense to him now? Can he see us on earth? When Owen asks God to tell Papa “hi”, does he? Or does any of that even matter to him? Does he still look like my dad? Young? Old? Are there really pearly gates? Streets of gold? Do angels have wings? Where is heaven? OMG. I can’t stand myself.

For a gal that needs to have everything in outline form, printed on paper and signed in blood by a notary public, this faith business can sometimes be overwhelming. Actually, it’s almost always overwhelming. I’ve always second guessed myself on everything. Salvation drove me crazy for years. Make that decades. What if I said “the prayer” wrong? What if I missed something? What if? What if? What if? Remember when the evangelist at revival would say “do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if you died tonight you’d go to heaven?” That drove me crazy! I mean, “beyond a shadow of a doubt”. Really? To a person with a scientific brain, that is the craziest question. If you know something beyond a shadow of a doubt, is it faith? OMG. I bet the first thing that God says to me when I leave this earth isn’t “well done, my good and faithful servant.” I think instead he’ll say, “Hey girl! Just so you know, I came into your heart when you were a little girl – the very first time you asked me to. The other four hundred and fifty five thousand prayers you prayed just for reassurance after the hell-fire evangelist scared you weren’t really necessary.” It took me FOREVER to figure out that it had nothing to do with “the prayer” or the way I said it and everything to do with His sacrifice and what it meant to me. All I had to do was want Jesus and He was mine.

Honestly, everything after that I’m still trying to figure out. Every day. I wish so badly that I could ask my dad all of these questions now. I mean. . . if he can still SPEAK ENGLISH!!! OMG! What language do they speak in heaven? Or is there even a language? Do they talk? Or can you just hear each other’s thoughts? Heaven, help me.



10 Responses to “Heaven”

  1. hbwinter June 26, 2013 at 4:37 am #

    Oh girl! I’m right there with you!!!!

  2. Sherri June 26, 2013 at 5:58 am #

    The song “I can only imagine” makes perfect sense here…and that’s all we can do until we get there.

  3. Luby June 26, 2013 at 6:53 am #

    I love this. I love that you blogged and I love the content. I often wonder about this same stuff, so it comforts me knowing someone else wonders, too.

    Love ya Luli!

  4. Janna June 26, 2013 at 8:46 am #

    Trusies. It’s like you speak right from my own heart sometimes. Love you to the moon and back.

  5. jsiddy June 26, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

    You make me smile.

  6. Julie June 26, 2013 at 2:30 pm #

    Hah… I can totally hear you saying this as I read it. And yes I wonder ALWAYS what heaven is like…. Is my dad just hanging out on a shiny gold chair chattin it up w Moses? No idea… But I know I cannot wait to hug his neck again one of these days and see for myself.
    I love ya.

  7. Claire @ My Devising June 26, 2013 at 3:43 pm #

    Love this. And I feel like you are telling my story, guuurl. That “beyond a shadow of a doubt” business can really mess up a middle school girl.

    Hope you and your fam are doing well. 🙂

    • Betty Tautfest June 29, 2013 at 10:51 pm #

      Faith is all we have and all we need, but being human, we still would love to have answer. Hang in there and just know Jesus saves us and those of us who accept that gift of salvation will be there to say “Thank you” to Him someday.

  8. Linda Howard July 2, 2013 at 8:07 am #

    I have been in the same place you are a number of times. Frustrating but a great place to be. God loves the fact that our thoughts turn towards Him and Heaven. Joni Erickson Toda has a book titled “Heaven your Real Home”. This book was very encouraging to me and I have even lead a Study on it.
    I agree that faith is difficult. We can’t do it on our own that is why God gave us the Holy Spirit to help us.
    Love you!

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