Truth

20 Feb

The truth is that cancer is a jerk and I’m having trouble being gracious about it. I wish I could say that I’m calm and peaceful and trusting that God’s will is best, but really I am sad and scared and feel a little horrified at life’s harsh realities right now. This road is tough. And lonely. And long. That’s how I feel today. Truth.

But I just keep baking cookies and building snowmen and asking God for grace even though I don’t feel it. It’s the best I know to do.

And I learn things. About cancer. And true love. And what it feels like to see your dad wither away. And that sometimes “strong” isn’t physical at all. I learn that there are some things that even a “fixer” can’t fix – no matter how hard she tries. I learn that life is short and always changing. And that no matter what, I can’t give up on my faith or my family.

I CAN do hard things. I can do them one day at a time. Sometimes minute by minute. I’ve done them before and I will do them again. I am doing them now.

“When the disciples heard it, they fell flat on their faces – scared to death. But Jesus came over and touched them. ‘Don’t be afraid.’ When they opened their eyes and looked around, all they saw was Jesus, only Jesus.”
Matthew 17:6-8

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14 Responses to “Truth”

  1. Jamie February 20, 2013 at 11:08 pm #

    I can’t even imagine. But you have touched many hearts, many more than you’ll ever know.

  2. Kathy Peck February 20, 2013 at 11:12 pm #

    Yes, Christa, I agree with your thoughts about cancer. It is sly and mean! It isn’t fair at all. Jim is way to young to be so sick and, frankly, you still need him. All I know is that God’s ways are not our ways! I continue to pray daily for a miracle! Either way, God is ALWAYS good!

  3. Julie February 20, 2013 at 11:14 pm #

    Yep.
    Love ya. For life.

  4. Tamara February 20, 2013 at 11:38 pm #

    And this is why I love you. Your true and perfectly authentic conversations with yourself that you so kindly share with the rest of us who are struggling with something are so needed. You are such a beautiful human and I love you, even though I haven’t seen you in many, many years. I thank you for just being REAL and unafraid to face your truth and sharing it all with us. You inspire me to embrace my authentic self and to seek God when hard, disappointing things come. As always I am keeping you and yours lifted.

  5. Diane February 21, 2013 at 12:24 am #

    Wow. You speak truth. Hard, sad, powerful truth. I love your transparency. I hate what you are having to go through.

  6. Nicki February 21, 2013 at 5:54 am #

    Love you, Christa!

  7. Jantie February 21, 2013 at 8:12 am #

    Powerful words, Lu. I love them. They fill my heart with love for you, our family, and our faith. It’s the hard truth of our lives right now.

    Love.

  8. Corrie February 21, 2013 at 8:55 am #

    I know what you mean. I felt like, we know what’s coming, and I can’t believe what we all have to go through — mostly Dad — to get there. It just seems so ludicrous. Ridiculously hard. I did feel God’s presence — suffering right along with us. I felt that God wished He could bear it for us, and it must make God so sad to see his children in pain and grieving. I am still surprised sometimes at just how difficult this life can be. All around us, we were surrounded by loving support, but it still felt that most people were a little outside the circle of what this experience was like. I remember telling a friend it was just heartbreaking. I truly felt broken. Some days. And those were the days my Mom or my sister, or even my dad, carried the load. And some days it was me, lifting up the others.

    You have to keep baking cookies. You have to keep taking out the trash and packing lunches. It’s what keeps you from curling up into a fetal position. It’s what kept me from quitting life and moving into my parents’ house so that I could keep a constant (and unwanted) vigil. It’s what keeps life feeling a little like a life, and not just a countdown.

    Your journey is yours, and I do not presume to know exactly what your family is going through. But I’ve walked a similar path, and my heart aches for your family. You are never far from my thoughts.

  9. Cinda Bailey February 21, 2013 at 10:25 am #

    Been there, done that with my Dad. He was too young. Just retired the month we found out. I will never forget that day. I watched it all. The pain. . . The wasting away. . . I hurt as much. It’s been almost 17 years and I still hurt. He was my Dad. He was so strong. He was the fixer. But he couldn’t fix cancer. You’re right, Christa. Cancer is a jerk! I’m so sorry you girls have to go through this. I love your Mom and Dad. I love hearing them laugh. I pray for all of you daily. It will make all of you closer and stronger. But it still hurts. I’m so sorry.

  10. Judi Corwin February 21, 2013 at 10:37 am #

    Just wish I could give you guys hugs along with my prayers for your family. Just know that there are plenty of us out here that care and hurt for you all. Just hang in there.

  11. Susie Boydston February 21, 2013 at 10:58 am #

    I feel your pain!! Cancer sucks!! That is about as nice as I can describe it. I watched it suck the life out of my own Mother. But through it all she continued to be faithful to the Lord. Mom was an inspiration to us all! Hang in there, you have numerous friends praying.

  12. Barbara anderson February 21, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

    Truth – ONLY JESUS!

  13. Carolyn Moore February 21, 2013 at 1:59 pm #

    Christa, just want to remind you that you and your family remain always in my prayers. I’m so very sad for your pain in watching your dad’s illness. There really are no words for some of life’s harshest realities. They just stink beyond measure. Thank you for your transparency and honesty about the pain and the horrors when trials pile on. I’m thankful you can face the stress head on and acknowledge your feelings honestly because that seems like the most therapeutic way to get through an excruciating period like this. I admire how you are navigating your nightmare with courage to tackle the next step; the next minute. Sending up prayers for encouragement, comfort, strength equal to the task. Tasks. I’m amazed at how well you manage such an overwhelming number of significant responsibilities. By the way, congrats on passing your big exam! You are amazing:) We are one among many teams so blessed to have you as a member. Sending love and prayers.

  14. Sydnie Summerford February 24, 2013 at 11:46 pm #

    You are amazing. I love reading your blog. You make me smile and cry all at the same time. You are strong! Praying for you. Haven’t seen you in the office in awhile! Hope to see ya soon.

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