Classic Jim and Lyneeta Lady. Really.

12 Sep

Truth.  What I am about to tell you is a normal occurrence in Lady land.  My mother relayed this story to me with the most calm, every day, matter of fact tone you can imagine.  I am laughing out loud by myself at the kitchen table at 12:47 am because I totally wish I could have recorded this phone conversation with my mother today.  We would have received one billion dollars on the royalties of the recording.  Then, I wouldn’t have to worry myself with all of this fundraising.  ;0)

But first, a little background.  Let’s just start with Monday.  Here’s the setup:

Most of my faithful few are also my friends on facebook so you all know that my dad has been diagnosed with stage four prostate cancer with bone mets.  He’s been in the hospital for the past five days maybe?  I honestly don’t even remember what day it was that he went in.  In that time frame, I have become the craziest crazy, coocoo banana, loony bird, weeping, constantly talking wacko in the history of America.  No.  Make that the history of the whole wide world.  Universe.  Bad.  Nuts.  Casey’s ears are bleeding from my constant chattering.  Blood is coming out of his ear holes as we speak.  I have plugged his ears with cotton balls and changed them 45 times a day for the past five days because they won’t stop bleeding from my constant talking.  Not really.  Moving on. . . 

So on Monday, my handsome, hottie, hilarious friend, who shall remain nameless, prepared all of the legal documents for Durable Power of Attorney, took time out of his extremely busy schedule, came to the hospital, gave my family legal counsel, held me for a good three solid minutes while I sobbed uncontrollably, and kindly chatted with my dad, whom he has met but does not know at all AND made my dad laugh (which by the way, I think is really special because most people are really uncomfortable carrying on a conversation with a terminal cancer patient who has recently been diagnosed).  My old friend.  So funny.  So crazy.  So precious.  I will never in all of my days forget him holding me while I sobbed and being so gracious.  So kind.  So smart.  So helpful.  So down to earth and real.  My old high school work friend that used to drive to Sam’s club in OKC with a car off of the lot and buy candy for the vending machines and ALWAYS sneak me a free Mr. Goodbar.  Love. 

Also, my other handsome hottie friend with a grey beard (he’s hilarious too but there’s just something about the grey beard) took time out of his crazy work schedule, spoke with a case manager where he works, printed off tons of forms and paperwork for us, drove to Norman, explained the processes to us for disability, medicare, medicaid, SSI, wiping your butt properly (not really but he would have if we had asked), went to the Nurse’s station and asked them to go ahead and assign my dad a hospital case manager and send her down to dad’s room, offered to stay with us until she came so he could be our advocate, chatted with me in the waiting area for a bit while my parents visited with some friends (I only had to change his bleeding ear cotton balls twice), and stayed with my mom and I in the hospital room while my dad healed an old, deep wound with a close friend.  Watched my dad sob uncontrollably and me sit on the bed with him and pat him until he stopped – really just stood there in the room quietly as the strong and solid person and did this all with grace.  A good, good man.  One of Casey’s very best friends.  My BFF’s husband.  I love him for life.

The hospital case manager came to the room and gave us the info for every single financial option available to my parents.  Lined it all out. I had my iphone out ready to take notes on everything I needed to do so that mom wouldn’t have to worry about anything but dad.  She said, “Honey, put that thing away.  You don’t need to take notes!  This is my job.  I will do all of this for you.”  Brooke.  What a sweet, kind, smart resource.  Blessing.

A little lady from pastoral care came to dad’s room to visit with him and pray.  PRECIOUS.  So precious.  Millie.  When she left, I was in the hall speaking with a friend and she stopped and told me what a wonderful father I had.  What an inspiration he was to her.  How funny he was.  What a great attitude he had.  What a blessing to have a man like that lead me through life.  And then she cried. The pastoral care lady who does this every day five million times cried because my dad touched her heart in the five minutes that she knew him.  Amazing.  Thank you, Millie.  

Julie’s Aunt Jeanne and Uncle Gary.  I love them.  They came to the hospital in a rush when I was in a panic to find two witnesses for the Durable Power of Attorney.  They visited and laughed with mom and dad like they were old friends.  Special.  Man, I love those two.  Then when all of that was finally over, they took me and mom across the street to eat Mexican food because it was 2:30 pm and we were starving.  We were hungry and they fed us.  Kinda reminds me of a man I know.  You know, that story in the big book?  The Bible.  Hmmmmmm.  Jesus with skin on.

That was all on Monday.  Guess what in the Hector Lopez (an Alan-ism) happened on Tuesday?  Now we are getting to the hilarity.  Sorry it took so long.  You crying?  Just wait, you are about to pee your pants.  I’ll wait while you go get a towel to sit on so you don’t mess up your furniture.  Better yet, just take your laptop with you and sit on the toilet while you read this part.  You may lose all control of your bowels, so it’s probably best.

My dad got discharged today.  My parents went across the street for lunch to the same restaurant that AJ and UG took me and mom to the day before.  It was about 12:15.  Lunchtime rush.  I called my mom to get an update on the day because I had just gotten off of work.  We were chatting and in the background, I could hear my dad start hooking.  “Hoocking?”, you ask.  Yes.  My family has made-up words for lots of things.  Hooking is this crazy azz thing my dad does all the danged time because he has the most horrible allergies in America.  The world.  The whole universe.  It is this sound that is kinda a mix between a cough and a gag.  Literally, he does it in public all the time.  Can’t help it.  Honestly, couldn’t give a rat’s behind who hears him.  It is what it is.  Truly, though, everyone in my entire family has to swallow down vomit every time he does it.  ESPECIALLY Casey and Chad (my BIL).  I am laughing out loud right now.  By myself. It is 1:45 am.  I’m serious, y’all.  If you heard this sound, ya know the hooking, you would vomit.  Ten times in a row.  And then you would poop your pants.  And then toot when all of the poop was emptied out of your colon.  It is the craziest thing ever.  So. . . dad started hooking and I could hear him in the background.  Honestly, he did it several times and mom and I just kept right on talking.  Normal.  Whatev.  No big.  Then, I’m like, “Mom, what the crap?  Is dad having issues today or something?  I mean, crap man, y’all are in a restaurant.  Tell him to quit the hooking.”  Then mom is like, “I think your dad is choking.”  Like, not an exclamation point or anything.  Just a period.  So, I’m like, “Whatever mom.  Tend to dad.  I’ll call you back in a sec.”  So then I go on about my business.  Make a few calls.  Eat a few onion rings.  You know, chill for a few.  Then, I think “Well, I’ll call mom back now I guess.  Dad has probably stopped the hooking.  Ya know, cleared out the restaurant.  The bus boys are probably sprinkling that minty vomit dust on the puke spots on the floor so it’s probably at least quieter in the restaurant so mom and I can talk on the phone better.”  So I pick up my phone to call her and I see this text from her verbatim:  “Piece of corn tortilla went over dad’s windpipe. I had to partial heimlich.”  True life.  Not joking.  Side note:  Janna, I just started laughing again like I laughed when I called you on the phone.  I have lost my ever loving mind.  So, I snatch up my phone and call my mom.  She answers.  They have already paid the bill and are in the car.  I shout, “MOM!!!!  Is Dad ok?!?!  Are you ok?  What the heck?”  Calm as a dad-gummed wind chime on the back porch at 6:00 am on a fall day, my mom tells me this:  Well, honey, you heard the hooking.  When we hung up, your daddy had that crazy look in his eyes and then he put his hand up to his neck, you know, the universal signal for choking, and I just knew something wasn’t right.  This wasn’t your regular hook.  So, I just got up and beat him on the back a few times pretty hard and that didn’t really work so I just kinda did the Heimlich while he was in the wheelchair.  You know, it’s pretty hard to do the Heimlich on someone in a wheelchair.  And, you know, a piece of corn tortilla just flew right out of his mouth and onto the table.  I guess he just didn’t chew it up well enough and it just formed a perfect seal right over his windpipe.  Can you believe that?!?  Christa, get control of yourself.  Quit laughing so hard.  You are going to wreck your car laughing like that while you are driving.  Seriously.  Christa.  You are going to pee your pants in your car and then Casey is going to have to go buy some Febreeze.  Christa!  Quit laughing.

Me:  Mom, is dad ok?

Mom: Dear, are you ok?

Dad: Yes, I’m fine.

Mom:  He’s fine.  Just a little nauseated from all that hooking, you know.

Me:  Mom, are you ok?  Are you shaken up about having to Heimlich dad?

Mom:  Well, no.  Not really

Me:  Was everyone staring at you in the restaurant?

Mom:  Well, yea.  Kinda.

Dad, in the background:  Can you even imagine, after all of this, me going out by choking on a corn tortilla?  Now wouldn’t that be something?  

Me:  Mom, I’m gonna have to call you back.  I need to call Janna.  I’ll call you later.  Love you.  Glad dad is ok.  Tell dad that I love him.  Bye.

Y’all.  I called my little baby sister and we laughed our fool heads off.  1.  because we have been under so much stress that we are completely insane.  2.  because this is just a normal day in Lady land  3.  because we could picture dad doing the universal choking symbol with his eyes bugging out  4.  because we could picture mom slowly getting up and beating dad in the middle of a restaurant and then trying to Heimlich him around a wheelchair  5.  You just had to be there

The End.




53 Responses to “Classic Jim and Lyneeta Lady. Really.”

  1. Julie September 12, 2012 at 3:05 am #

    I. Am. Cracking. Up. Again!!! All over again!!! Hahahahahaha. I can totally picture your mom telling you this in the most calm, soothing, matter of fact tone that only Lyneeta can do. Lol!!! The universal sign.

    Loving you. Loving your family. Love Jim. You all are the best. In the whole entire universe. Hang in there. Keep trucking. Better yet… Keep Ruggin.
    And that grey-bearded man and AG and UG… Yep I claim them. 1000x over.
    Love ya.

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 3:32 am #

      I was just telling Monica Mullins tonight that we’ve been to hell and back several times together in the last 20 years and how you’re “my person”.

  2. Nic September 12, 2012 at 6:39 am #

    LOVED this. Like I told you, it did make me cry AND laugh so hard. Only you could write a story like this! Your family shines and shows the world what life is like under His grace and mercies.

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 6:55 am #

      I love you and always have. We are kindred spirits. You know this but I want everyone else to read it to. God bless you, girl. Way over the heck in Timbukto (sp?). Whatev.

  3. Jenny Mac September 12, 2012 at 6:57 am #

    Oh goodness! I don’t know any of the above mentioned folk, but I did, I laughed out loud. Because of the said laughter, my poor Zoe jumped and started crying at 6:52 a.m. She’s just like her mom…so jumpy!!

    Thank you for the great laughter 😉 praying for your sweet fam!

    P.S. – What’s your home address anyway?

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 7:04 am #

      I’ll message u my home address on fb, girl. Glad you laughed. See you Saturday! Yay!!

  4. mary lou fay September 12, 2012 at 7:00 am #

    I’ve never met you, never met your parents, but I know Janna. And I just love you all!!! Laughter is the best medicine and you all prove it!!!! xoxoxox
    ML – Laura Ashcraft’s Ma

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 7:05 am #

      Mary Lou, I know you too. Janna adores you. The butterfly potholder blesses me every time I see it. Period. We love Laura.

  5. Jennifer McQuade September 12, 2012 at 7:03 am #

    OMG! I’m dying laughing. I can’t stop. Christa, your life is such a mess right ow but you’re still the funniest person EVER!

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 7:06 am #

      Lol. I need to see your new house, girl. Miss ya, neighbor.

      • Jennifer McQuade September 12, 2012 at 8:16 am #

        Come on over anytime, girl! You know the Gerbers are always welcome at the McQuades’!

  6. Linda Howard September 12, 2012 at 7:15 am #

    Oh Christa, only you could make something like this so stinkin’ funny!! Thanks for starting my day with a big laugh. Love You!!!

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 8:43 am #

      Oh Linda. I learned grace and laughter in desperate times from you. You. And Alan. My second parents. Who took in the homeless as a high school senior. Jesus with skin on. Times two. I live you to the moon and back. 50 million times and then one more. Always.

  7. Shirl September 12, 2012 at 7:20 am #

    Oh, Lula! I loved your blog because I know and love the people who blessed you today. Well, I don’t know Millie, but I live her for blessing you. And, I could see the restaurant scene in my head! Every time I wake up in the night (which has been often lately) I ask our Father to give you comfort and peace.

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 8:40 am #

      I love you, Shirl. You make me smile.

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 8:41 am #

      And I got my nicknaming gene from my dad so indirectly you can thank him for “Shirl”.

  8. Jantie September 12, 2012 at 8:10 am #

    So. I sitting in my car giggling my fool head off again. That is, after I got control of the tears. Get this. Even Chad couldn’t help but laugh when I told him last night. It made me laugh even harder seeing his trashy mustached mouth (for those that don’t know him, he thinks it’s funny to grow a retarded mustache that is so embarrassing) trying, just trying not to think this situation is funny. It was just too much because I made him picture it. And because I was cackling do hard I couldn’t even finish a sentence. That’s all I have you say for now. Ignore any typos. Love. Bye.

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 8:34 am #

      Cackling do hard. The end. Lol.

      • Jantie September 12, 2012 at 8:47 am #

        Made me laugh again. Whatev.

  9. Rachel Lasater September 12, 2012 at 8:21 am #

    Christa- I am wiping tears thru my laughing! You were right needed both. You and your family are in my prayers daily as you go thru this. Loved this blog!!! Keep up your crazy. It works, makes you the sweet and special person you are.

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 8:39 am #

      Thank you to my first best friend. You are precious to me.

  10. Meeeernna September 12, 2012 at 9:06 am #

    I freakin’ love you.

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 11:53 pm #

      I effing love you, too, honey boo boo.

  11. Shannon Mints September 12, 2012 at 9:21 am #

    I have laughed, I have cried, now I just have to smile through the tears as I figure you’re doing a lot of lately. I love your raw, genuine heart!! It just encourages me more than you know. It’s just too cool to watch the true heart of God through all of this. He has EVERY step of this in HIS total control and you’re allowing your genuineness just to be a light to us all. We’re holding you guys up on this end, my friend. Many hugs and love from Mansfield, TX!

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 11:54 pm #

      Love you, Shannon. I know I can count on you, Paul, and many others there in Mansfield to lift us up. That is a blessing. Big one.

  12. Monica Mullins September 12, 2012 at 9:27 am #

    Hilarious, my friend!!!! Your parents are awesome!!! Life is so painful and funny all at once! Love you TONS!

    • loveluli September 12, 2012 at 11:56 pm #

      OMG, MonMon the leprechaun. You are a hoot. Why in heavens name we haven’t been hanging out this whole three years Case and I have been in Shawnee is just so strange to me. Let’s amend that, please. How weird of us. Goat boy is so

  13. Rebekah September 12, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

    I am loving your family. I love that your daddy got to heal an old church wound–those are so deep and personal. I’m sure that heals your mom as well.

    And I love that your mom was so very calm in relaying the choking incident. Good heavens. Your poor mom. 🙂

    Love ya.

    • loveluli September 13, 2012 at 12:00 am #

      Girl, the healing of the old church wound. #1 legacy changer in my children’s lives to date thus far. #1 hardest, weepiest (my autocorrect made that say weenie miss) moment so far in this whole process. Life changing for my family I know for sure and that’s my number one priority right now. The End. Love you, immuno-pal.

  14. Seasie September 12, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

    Lula…you really are going through the valley of the shadow and you are still blogging, fb`ing, mothering, daughtering, wifing, texing, and lovingly replying to every comment. A~Frigging~mazing you are. How you do it, I have no clue. I love you like a fat kid loves cake.

    • loveluli September 13, 2012 at 12:03 am #

      Oh Seas. You have taken tons of the burden off of me simply by doing all these steps with the fundraising. I’m just gonna be honest with you. While you are working tomorrow, I am going to stay home alone and watch the Today Show in my pajamas and not tend to a single solitary thing because I need one day to do whatever I want/need to do. Everything will still be there on Friday. The end.

    • loveluli September 13, 2012 at 12:05 am #

      And you really love me a lot then. I saw this slightly big-boned fellow at a child’s birthday party who shall remain nameless and he really loved cake a lot. I think he ate three healthy sized pieces. So, anyway, that’s kinda fun.

  15. Melanie September 12, 2012 at 8:01 pm #

    One word. WOW!

  16. Sue September 12, 2012 at 9:10 pm #

    You are amazing. Hugs to all of you and prayers for you.

    • loveluli September 13, 2012 at 12:06 am #

      Hugs and thanks for the prayers. Peace and grace and comfort, please.

  17. Dava September 12, 2012 at 10:21 pm #

    Hey, I love you and am thinking about you and praying for you and your Family! I appreciate you and your sweet spirit! Lots of love your way!

    • loveluli September 13, 2012 at 12:07 am #

      Thanks, Dava!!!! And thangs for blessing me yesterday by putting up my drugs. CooCoo Marie. Right here.

    • loveluli September 13, 2012 at 12:08 am #

      Thanks not thangs. For Pete’s sake.

  18. Dava September 12, 2012 at 10:22 pm #

    P.S. Love you Blog picture!

    • Dava September 13, 2012 at 7:02 am #


  19. Sue Boydston Lott September 13, 2012 at 6:03 am #

    Give your Mom and Dad a hug from me. It has been years since I have seen them. We will be keeping them and the entire family in our prayers!!

    • loveluli September 13, 2012 at 10:59 am #

      Thank you, Sue. I sure will.

  20. Mayor of Tootville September 13, 2012 at 9:07 am #

    The toots surely sang their finest tune with this one. shoot.

    ya’all are true epitomes of Lady-like. really.

    • loveluli September 13, 2012 at 11:00 am #

      Lol!!!! You are a nut!!

  21. David Hayden September 13, 2012 at 11:19 am #

    your mom and my mom have the same name. That is sort of strange.

    • loveluli September 14, 2012 at 2:21 am #

      You crack me up, David Hayden. Good chatting with you.

    • loveluli September 14, 2012 at 2:22 am #

      Christa Laiti.

  22. Gorman Gab September 14, 2012 at 8:30 am #

    My eyes are so glassed over right now!! Crying and laughing so hard! Some things just don’t change… I wish I had the grace of Lyneeta Lady!!! And Jim has confirmed that the “universal choking sign” is really used… I always wondered! Now we know! Ha. Your family definitely has the right idea with the whole humor thing! It feels so good to laugh! Can’t wait to hear what is next… I am definitely on team Jim & Lyneeta… Cheering for them all the way! Love you lots Christa Gerbs!!! Btw… Does Brad really have a grey beard?

    • loveluli September 14, 2012 at 10:49 am #

      Grey as the day is long, Nik.

  23. Barbara Anderson September 17, 2012 at 10:18 am #

    I laughed so hard! I am so familiar with the “hooking” and Lyneeta’s calm demeanor in crisis. James and I love them so much and miss them tremendously! You ate at Tarahumaras across from the hospital? That is “one” of the Mexican restuarants we used to haunt with your parents on Sundays! Know that we are praying for all of you.

  24. Kate October 5, 2012 at 12:10 am #

    You don’t know me, but we have some mutual SWOSU friends. I actually found your fb page & blog via Jen Hatmaker’s page. Anyway, I’ll be praying for your Daddy. And I honestly did laugh at this blog entry. Hang in there. He’s got this. -Kate (Taylor) Zerbe

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