Nut Magnet.

5 Aug

Me.

Dudes.  Seriously.  There is something in my DNA that makes all kinds of crazy attract to me.  I don’t understand it, but it’s true.  My dad has it.  He passed it along to my sister too.  It’s a problem.  We probably should not have been allowed to reproduce.  Too late. 

So here’s what happened to me tonight. . .

I’m at the pharm.  My tech has already gone home.  I’m just tootling around making sure things are ready for tomorrow’s inventory.  Ho hum.  A lovely couple walks up to the consultation window.  I stroll up to offer my knowledgable services.  The husband steps forward and starts speaking in broken English.  CRAP.  Here we go.  So, basically, he starts telling me something about his leg (I think) and he hurt it (maybe) a few days ago.  It’s swollen.  I know this for sure because the wife is behind him smiling and making hand movements on her own leg like it’s SMALL and then it grows BIGGER, it’s SMALL and then it grows BIGGER (omg, for real).  So, I’m like, ok, is it hot? red? can you show me?  For real, folks.  It’s my job.  So, he puts his leg up on the counter and sure enough, right there on the back of his leg just below the knee is a lump.  A swollen, painful, warm, red lump on the back of the leg.  DVT.  Do you understand me?!?!?!?!?  Deep vein thrombosis.  I freaking swear.  If it wasn’t I will eat a piece of dog poop with mustard on top in a hot dog bun every day for the next 32 days.  Folks, I almost pooped my pants.  A foreign man with a DVT speaking broken English is standing in the consultation window with his hand-gesturing wife and he’s trying to ask me what he should do.  Do you know me, folks?  If you do, please picture my face when I see this life threatening bulge on this man’s leg.  And then picture me remembering that I should convince him to go to the ER without causing too much alarm.  Folks.  It’s no good.  No good at all.  So, I realize what we’re workin’ with here and I know that this man has to get this giant throbbing death trap looked at immediately.  So, I’m like, uhhhhhh, “ER.  You should probably go to the ER.  It’s probably nothing (just a giant bulbous widow maker DVT) but you should go on tonight, like right now, and get it checked out.  Heh heh.”  And he just stares at me.  Like he doesn’t know what I mean.  So, what do I do?  I shout “ER!” like shouting will make him understand.  Ugh.  I can’t stand myself.  So, I realize that he doesn’t know what ER means – it doesn’t take me long, folks.  I’m quick-witted.  So, I’m like “HOSPITAL.”  And he’s like, “Oh, yes, hospital.”  Thank you, Jesus!!!!!!  BUT then I have to try and tell him how to get to the freaking hospital.  Um, have you met me, folks?  Casey still has to tell me to “go straight” or go on the “roundy-round” in OKC (the roundy-round is I-44 to Tulsa – by Mathis Brothers).  Yes, I was President of Rho Chi honor society in Pharmacy School but I call I-44 the roundy-round.  So?  Whatever.  For those of you that are familiar with Shawnee, you know that the name of one of the main streets and also an exit off of I-40 is called Kickapoo.  Kickapoo.  If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.  Dawgs, I had to try to tell this foreign, broken English speaking man and his hand-gesturing wife to get back on KICKAPOO and go all the way to MacArthur and turn right and then follow the signs to Unity Health Center.  Seriously, I cannot even stop laughing right now remembering myself trying to tell this poor man with his big ‘ol painful leg to get on Kickapoo.  The poo.  Ugh.  Why me?  I ended up drawing him a map.  My art skills suck too. 

Whatever.  Blasted nut magnet DNA.

Love, Luli

**No HIPAA regulations were violated in this blog post.  None.  So keep your panties out of a wad.  I mean it.

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8 Responses to “Nut Magnet.”

  1. Gare August 5, 2011 at 6:52 am #

    Nik and I are rolling. This is like My Daily Bread. Nikki says this reminds her of the fungus under the boob woman and the lady that wanted Nik to mark a spot on her butt with a Sharpie where she should give her injection to herself. You just can’t make this stuff up!

  2. Allison O. August 5, 2011 at 9:55 am #

    I am dying laughing. Laughter is great first thing in the morning. Thanks for starting my day off right, Kickapoo!

  3. Julie August 5, 2011 at 10:15 am #

    Now you have me all worried about the broken English guy and whether or not he made it to the ER. I would’ve had to get in the car and have them follow me. Omg. I don’t know how you do it.
    Lol. U are hilarious.

  4. Seasie August 5, 2011 at 1:38 pm #

    The pharm who saves lives and takes names…without breaking HIPPARCHUS laws!!! The roundy round!!! Hahahaha! You are cracking me up!!! Love my morning lula laugh!!! Keep up the good work, Dr. Gerbers!

  5. Seasie August 5, 2011 at 1:39 pm #

    Lol!!! Dumb auto correct!!! h. I. p.P.A.

    • Julie August 5, 2011 at 5:37 pm #

      Seas!!!! It corrected HIPPA!!! haaaaaaahhhh!!!!

    • Jantie August 5, 2011 at 6:24 pm #

      HIPPARCHUS!!!!! I am giggling!!!!

  6. artisantheory August 6, 2011 at 12:06 am #

    One of my favorite posts so far!

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