Testing again. This blog is wack-ish.

10 Aug

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#ChristineCaine #Undaunted

Love,
Luli

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Heaven

25 Jun

I’m driving myself crazy these days with thoughts of heaven. I can’t stop wondering what my dad is doing. I mean, I know he’s with God, he’s praising (all the bible stuff) – but I wonder what it’s really like. Does he hang out with family and friends that went before him? Does he get to chat with Jesus? Do all of life’s struggles make sense to him now? Can he see us on earth? When Owen asks God to tell Papa “hi”, does he? Or does any of that even matter to him? Does he still look like my dad? Young? Old? Are there really pearly gates? Streets of gold? Do angels have wings? Where is heaven? OMG. I can’t stand myself.

For a gal that needs to have everything in outline form, printed on paper and signed in blood by a notary public, this faith business can sometimes be overwhelming. Actually, it’s almost always overwhelming. I’ve always second guessed myself on everything. Salvation drove me crazy for years. Make that decades. What if I said “the prayer” wrong? What if I missed something? What if? What if? What if? Remember when the evangelist at revival would say “do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if you died tonight you’d go to heaven?” That drove me crazy! I mean, “beyond a shadow of a doubt”. Really? To a person with a scientific brain, that is the craziest question. If you know something beyond a shadow of a doubt, is it faith? OMG. I bet the first thing that God says to me when I leave this earth isn’t “well done, my good and faithful servant.” I think instead he’ll say, “Hey girl! Just so you know, I came into your heart when you were a little girl – the very first time you asked me to. The other four hundred and fifty five thousand prayers you prayed just for reassurance after the hell-fire evangelist scared you weren’t really necessary.” It took me FOREVER to figure out that it had nothing to do with “the prayer” or the way I said it and everything to do with His sacrifice and what it meant to me. All I had to do was want Jesus and He was mine.

Honestly, everything after that I’m still trying to figure out. Every day. I wish so badly that I could ask my dad all of these questions now. I mean. . . if he can still SPEAK ENGLISH!!! OMG! What language do they speak in heaven? Or is there even a language? Do they talk? Or can you just hear each other’s thoughts? Heaven, help me.

Love,
Luli

Truth

20 Feb

The truth is that cancer is a jerk and I’m having trouble being gracious about it. I wish I could say that I’m calm and peaceful and trusting that God’s will is best, but really I am sad and scared and feel a little horrified at life’s harsh realities right now. This road is tough. And lonely. And long. That’s how I feel today. Truth.

But I just keep baking cookies and building snowmen and asking God for grace even though I don’t feel it. It’s the best I know to do.

And I learn things. About cancer. And true love. And what it feels like to see your dad wither away. And that sometimes “strong” isn’t physical at all. I learn that there are some things that even a “fixer” can’t fix – no matter how hard she tries. I learn that life is short and always changing. And that no matter what, I can’t give up on my faith or my family.

I CAN do hard things. I can do them one day at a time. Sometimes minute by minute. I’ve done them before and I will do them again. I am doing them now.

“When the disciples heard it, they fell flat on their faces – scared to death. But Jesus came over and touched them. ‘Don’t be afraid.’ When they opened their eyes and looked around, all they saw was Jesus, only Jesus.”
Matthew 17:6-8

Weird Day; A post of love and thanks

7 Dec

My life is an open book.  It always has been and I’m not sure why.  Maybe because I hate people that pretend that life is a fairy tale.  It isn’t.  Usually the people that seem so perfect from the outside are the most screwed up in reality.  I’d just like to live my life so that every one sees the truth about the good, the bad, the precious, the scary – all of it – and how knowing Jesus helps me through it.  I’ve struggled recently with so many things.  If you’ve ever read this blog, you know them all.  Reread stuff.  I don’t feel like going into all of it.  I’ve been so tired recently coming off of the intense prednisone shot that my rheumatologist gave me.  This morning Casey got up and got every one off to school and let me sleep.  I woke up at 10:00 am.  I was home alone all day.  I cried until 1:00.  Why?  Well, I’m super screwed up hormonally from the prednisone.  My adrenal glands forgot how to work so my cortisol levels are dumb (too dumb to even test – how funny is that?).  I asked my rheumie if we should check them and she said “what’s the point? we know they are screwed.”  Well, alrighty then.  My kinda gal.  This past visit, we discussed the flare/prednisone issue and the fact that I need to not take prednisone.  She voted to put me back on cellcept.  I said ok but I didn’t mean it.  Surprise, surprise.  I’ve recently started seeing the most wonderful physician ever.  She’s an MD but also believes in things besides Western medicine.  I adore her.  And I trust her.  I’ve started taking lots of supplements and will soon start acupuncture.  More on that another day.  The point is that my adrenal glands are now screwed and are not working properly.  I’m tired, crazy, sad, weird – you name it.  I can already tell that the supplements are working to correct things but there is just going to be a period where my body has to have a break, rest, and catch up.  It is what it is.  I’ve had a ton on my plate with dad in the hospital, holiday drama, sick kids, birthday parties, job drama. Lord have mercy.  You name it.  So today I woke up and felt exposed.  Raw.  Used up.  A little taken advantage of.  My facebook profile has been public since Dad got sick in an effort to raise as much awareness as possible.  I have friends that I don’t remember at all and friends that I don’t know.  They are seeing everything.  I decided today that I’m done with that.  My profile is no longer public.  Love Jim and Loveluli will stay public but not my own.  I’m taking it back.  I feel like a few people have taken advantage of my mental/emotional state and that makes me sad, but I’m taking my privacy back so hopefully that will stop.  I’ve called on people that I know love me and they have responded far beyond my expectations so quickly.  It makes my heart full to hear from people that love me and have loved me for so many years.  People that I trust.  I’m so thankful for that.  I’m thankful for people that love me no matter how crazy I am and no matter what shenanigans I’ve pulled.  I’m thankful that today I remembered that I have so many of those people.  I’m thankful that I can hide away for a day and regroup.  I’m thankful for such a confident husband that knows that in general I get along better with guys and that he isn’t threatened by that.  I’m thankful for guy friends that are confident enough to text me truth and love because they’re my friends and have been for years.  You all know who you are.  Thank you for loving me as a friend just like one of the guys and never being asses and trying to take advantage of my girly parts.  LOL.  I’ve always understood you better and I’m thankful to have you in my life.  I’m thankful for my best friend for life, Julie Riggins, who reminded me that this is our 20th Christmas together as besties.  LOL.  My longest relationship.  My dearest friend.  One of very few “close” girlfriends.  The friend that knows all my trash and loves me more for it.  The friend that would help me no matter what.  Comfort.  I’m thankful for my little sister, Janna.  The hardest worker I know.  The most forgiving person I know.  The most loyal.  The kindest heart.  The prettiest Lady sister.  A giver not a taker.  I’m thankful for my mom who never thinks of herself.  Always puts herself last and always has.  Tirelessly cares for dad.  Never loses faith through millions upon millions of hard hard hard life storms.  Faithful.  Steady.  Kind.  Selfless.  So selfless.  I’m thankkful for my mother and father in law.  They aren’t as emotional as my family and they know it but I know for sure that they love us with all their heart.  They’d do anything for us and have many times.  I love you very much, John and Midge.  I’m thankful for so many friends on facebook that I haven’t seen in ages but have responded to my situation with complete love and support, have tirelessly prayed for me and my family, have donated time and money, have asked me daily how things are going, have cheered me on and given support.  So many of you have checked on me more than family or old friends and I have noticed and it has made such a huge difference.  The constant daily thoughts and prayers, the random notes – so precious.  I’ve saved them all.  It’s been just amazing.  I thank you.  Each little word means the world to me.  Truth.  Please keep saying them.  If you feel a nudge, that’s the Holy Spirit.  Do it even if you feel stupid.  It makes a huge difference to me and my family.

So, this whole day was spent being quiet, reflecting, crying it out.  Protecting myself.  Restoring my body.  AAAAANNNNNNDDDDDD tomorrow the exotic animals come for Owen’s 7th birthday party.  Onward Christian Soldier.  A new day has come.  There will be joy in the morning.

Love,

LuliPhoto on 12-4-12 at 2.02 AM

Crochetin’ my cares away

29 Nov

I was able to find some beauty and actually be thankful today in the midst of my chaos. I had no choice but to slow down. I can’t “take care” of my parents at the hospital (as if they need my care and didn’t raise up my own butt from birth). I can’t go consult my hospital because I’ve got a six year old puker on my hands. I hate tv these days. Honestly, I NEEDED something to DO with all this energy that wants to help, work, fix. Soooooooooo, my bestest bestest number one bestie facetimed me back through our crochet lesson. She has a better handle on life and has made several scarfs since our lesson as opposed to me and my one worm sleeping bag. So I sat. And I chained. And I counted. And I did the double crochet. I made a section. It had an ass. I took it out. I started over pre-ass. The ass went away. Then I went to thinking about how I was at home caring for my sick son and how he’ll remember someday that Mommy took care of him. How I rubbed his back “on top of his shirt” not beneath because his skin felt too sensitive. How I let him germ up my iPad and then lysoled it. How I said that big daddy could bring him pizza for lunch because that’s what he wanted. Little things. But things that are so dear. And then I thought about life being like that crazy scarf. How you’re crocheting along and all of the sudden an ass forms. So you back-track. Sit and figure out where it all went wrong. Take it out. Start over where the ass formed. Next thing you know, the scarf is back to looking right as rain. You can still tell where the ass was but no one else can. Except maybe Jesus. And he helped you fix the ass anyway, so he ought to know. So that’s it. Crochet. Thankful. Beauty from ashes. And asses.

Love,
Luli

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In honor of the latest blog post. Bad use of the Jesus wig. Happy Halloweener!!

31 Oct

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To Shave or Not To Shave? Yep. That’s the Question.

28 Oct

Usually my posts are just to be read and enjoyed. I delight over Reader Comments, but it’s ok with me if you just read and laugh and go on your merry way. Today, I’m wanting feedback. Every opinion counts. Also, let’s all keep in mind that each opinion is valid based on the fact that it belongs to someone and they are entitled. No fighting on Luli’s blog. The end.

Soooooooo. . . Here’s my opinion: manscaping/male grooming is absolutely a must BUT can certainly go way too far. My own personal feelings about the subject apply to all males across the board, whether gay or straight, and regardless of profession (barring athletes that must full body scape for speed/whatev reasons). I suspect many people will have different categories and degree of acceptability – maybe by profession – who knows?! Why am I curious? I’m not even sure, but I do find it to be an interesting topic. Am I strange? I think, probably, yes. Do I care? No, not at all.

So here are my very own OPINIONS on the subject and then I would like to hear yours in the comment section. I repeat: Post your very own opinion in the comment section. Ok. Let’s begin.

I do not prefer a shaved male leg at all. A shaved male chest is perfectly fine. A shaved male back seems mandatory if hair beyond a reasonable doubt exists. The nether regions seem a given to me, and I see no reason to discuss them except to say that the area should be well kept and there should be no hidey holes for dingleberries to establish themselves. Let’s take it back up to the face. Eyebrows should be neat and tidy but NOT sculpted. Unibrows are for Bert and Ernie. A unibrow is NEVER acceptable. Facial scruff is personally very manly and appealing to me but def depends on the particular man and his hair growth patterns and aversion to hairy face itch/aversion to shaver’s itch. Should a hair begin to grow in one’s ear, it should be promptly plucked and then a reminder should immediately be set on one’s iPhone for a once-a-week ear hair check. Ear hair is not allowed. Arm hair, for me, is a free for all. I can take it or leave it. Hand hair, however, is tricky. Lots of hand hair, I feel, is slightly boorish and should be groomed just for the simple fact that I, personally, am probably going to talk to your hand hair all evening if its staring at me and shouting my name. The end. If I forgot an area, call me out in the comments section and I will promptly spew my personal opinion out for you to relish.

Love,
Luli